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By: Jay Dyer

Rome, Italy.

Pope Francis this week signaled a new era of openness and ecumenical dialogue with brothers from other traditions by including Mola Ram and the traditional adherents of the Thuggee Rite.   “With the demise of the British Empire and rise of secularism, the Thuggee were able to survive as a form of catacomb church, just like the early martyrs,” a spokesman for the Pope explained.

“We were able to find commonalities in the fact that we both experienced this profound level of persecution, having to flee to hazardous caverns below temples and palaces or the Maharajah of Pankot.  After all, we both affirm One God – granted, for them, it’s a demonic bloodthirsty dark entity, and for us it’s Jesus, but it’s still monotheism!  We also appreciate their Thuggee Rite Liturgy of Kali observes the traditional form and has resisted innovations”

Thuggee spokesperson Mola Ram was also optimistic about the new stage of openness and dialogue: “The British in India will be slaughtered, then we will overrun the Muslims. Then the Hebrew God will fall!And then the Christian God will be cast down and forgotten. Soon, Kali Ma will rule the world!” as a low hum of Thuggee worshippers ominously chants from the background.   The Vatican is expected to alter its services in the Majarajah’s regions to accommodate the indigenous rituals and traditions, including warnings to parishioners about the incoming attacks of giant vampire bats.

The youthful Maharajah said he was more concerned about the pope’s pasty representatives who oogled him at the Palace’s Snake Surprise Feast: “I heave heard of the stories of the Vatican priests. I thought the stories were told to frighten children.  I can assure, this will never happen in my kingdom.  I couldn’t even get these weirdos to stop looking at me when we offered them the frozen monkey brain dessert!”

“The new era signifies a new understanding of how to conduct discussions and dialogue,” the Pope’s spokesman stated as he strapped himself into the large, metal Thuggee offering cage.  “That black juice of Kali has a bad reputation, but I found it quite tasty.  Kali ma protects us, we are her children,” he intoned with a blank stare as Mola Ram looked on with glee.

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