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By: Jay Dyer
Or, Gang of Teens Team up with Tard to Tackle Illuminati 
Goonies is not politically correct.  Could you imagine a movie nowadays with a total retard pretending to be Errol Flynn as the secret hero?  Nevertheless, in 1985, Baby Ruth-fueled tards and stereotypical Asiatic persons obsessed with gadgets (Data) and photographs were necessity – and even pudgy, Jewy Jews like Chunk.  There’s nothing P.C. about Goonies – and that was great.  In fact, the Un-P.C. awesomeness gets even better when I bring in the 1980s WWF that inextricably played a key role in Cyndi Lauper’s theme song for the film, “Good Enough” – more on that madness in a moment.
With the massive success of the Spielberg films in the early 80s, a wave of “productions” emerged with Spielberg’s named slapped across the top – Twilight Zone: The Movie, Poltergeist, and even Goonies (with some speculating Spielberg actually directed Poltergeist and not Tobe Hooper).  Goonies was directed by Richard Donner, previously of The Omen and Superman fame, as well as numerous 50s and 60s television shows, such as The Fugitive, Get Smart! and The Man From U.N.C.L.E.  
Given Donner’s pedigree of interest in occult subjects (The Omen) and later interest in conspiracy (as the director of Conspiracy Theory with Mel Gibson), we can reasonably consider more may be at work in a film as unassuming as Goonies.  I grew up watching Goonies, but having revisited it recently, something new occurred to me – Goonies is not merely an adventure story about rascally reject tweens and teens teaming up with a tard to topple the local mobsters and trounce Troy’s bourgeoisie country club: Goonies is a Rube Goldberg Machine on film.  Now, before you say I’ve finally lost it, hear me out.

Rube Goldberg (1883-1970) was a Jewish political cartoonist and engineer known for his silly, over-complicated and exaggerated machines intended to lampoon simple tasks.  If you recall the PeeWee Herman Show or ever played Mousetrap, you recall the absurd machines concocted to cook breakfast, brush one’s teeth, etc. – those are Rube Goldberg machines.  With that in mind, Goldberg’s machines are evident as an embodiment of the Golem principle, the notion from Jewish mysticism that a machine man can be created using kabbalistic magic to do the manual labor of its creator.  As a purely determined cause and effect instrument, the Goldberg Machine, like the Golem, does only what it is programmed to.  It is therefore a causally determined chain reaction, and within the plot of Goonies, the entire film’s events are caused by the initial escape of the Fratelli’s from prison.  

The opening sequence of Goonies features the camera entering the left eye of the skull, and as you probably know, the skull and bones is the Jolly Roger, the flag of piracy, and also the flag of the lawless pirates known as the CIA, generally recruited at Yale’s Skull and Bones Secret Society (Lodge 322).   Following this, one Fratelli brother (Robert Davi) staged an escape from jail, with the ignition of the circle of flame setting in motion a series of events that will determine the film,  like the ignition of a booby trap.  
As the Fratellis speed away from the cops, they drive past each of the Goonies, with most of them taking notice, later bringing this up as they meet at the Walsh’s.  As the Fratellis get away by blending in with the beach race (as Mama Fratelli timed it), the Fratelli SUV can briefly be seen driving past the Walshes.  Mouth (Corey Feldman) and Chunk show up, with Chunk’s truffle shuffle being prefaced by his claim he saw “the most amazing thing.”  It is precisely here the Walsh’s Rube Goldberg Machine in the front yard is activated, which opens the door for Chunk.  

After a loud series of exchanges, Mouth gets the idea the attic could contain “rich stuff” that could save their homes from being demolished the Perkins Land Development.  However, if Chunk hadn’t broken the statue’s penis, which came from the museum’s material in the attic, Mouth wouldn’t have had the idea to go in the attic.   Also key to this cause-effect thesis is the timing of Rosalita, the hired cleaning lady who, having been in the middle of the road as the Fratellis whizzed past her, arrived just in time to meet Mrs. Walsh so they could give the Goonies an hour alone in the attic (to find the treasure map).   To further bolster this thesis, the origin of the Rube Goldberg machine is also associated with the rigging of a booby trap – the connection is obvious, and “booty traps” are referenced numerous times in the film by Data and Mikey.

The other interesting fact about the choice of “Astoria” is that it is named after the United States’ first multi-millionaire family, from John Jacob Astor.  Astor achieved a monopoly in the fur trade, but more was at work here: Astor was master of Lodge No. 8, “Astor was a Freemason, and served as Master of Holland Lodge #8, New York City in 1788. Later he served as Grand Treasurer for the Grand Lodge of New York.”  In other words, he was already well-connected, prior to his supposed rise to wealth, and these connections likely enabled his monopoly.  Another path to his wealth was drug trafficking – particularly opium, which would make his pedigree as a masonic bonesman even more likely – a pirate.  

Keeping in mind these are the same Eastern establishment Anglo-elites (though here we mean West Coast), John Coleman explains:
“John Jacob Astor made a huge fortune out of the China opium trade …. it was the Committee of 300 who chose who would be allowed to participate in the fabulously lucrative China opium trade, through its monopolistic British East India Company, and the beneficiaries of their largess remained forever wedded to the Committee of 300.”
Fritz Springmeier writes:
“One result of his fur company, was that Astoria, OR was created. Today, perhaps in honor of the family that originally took interest in it, Astoria is a hot-bed for the secret Satanic covens in Oregon. John Jacob Astor did have a few helpful connections. Three of his relatives were captains on clipper ships, and he had connections in London to the Blackhouse family. He married a Todd, a family frequently associated with Satanism. His wife, a Todd, was also connected to the influential Brevoort family. And finally for some reason, John Jacob Astor maintained good relations with the politicians of the day, perhaps because most of them were Freemasons, too.”
Thus, the Goonies, or the “rejects” as they call themselves, appear to be a ragtag band of misfit anti-heros who discover the secret, Masonic history of Astoria – its founders are actually pirates who operate in the libertarian piratical fashion, outside of any constraints of law.  It reminds me of the plot of National Treasure – where the Great Nic Cage discovers a similar secret.  Indeed, elite families such as the Astors play a prominent role in Carroll Quigley’s Tragedy and Hope, where, as members of the actual Illuminati – the Cliveden Set, they were responsible for a large part of the last century’s world wars.  For those interested, I cover this at some length in my 8-part lecture series on Tragedy and Hope.  

Another key this interpretation is correct are the casual references to FDR in the film.  For example, when the Goonies are in the attic, an old newspaper clipping is displayed with FDR proclaiming his socialist “New Deal.”   The curious connection here is the Astors also maintained a connection with FDR and the American socialists.  This may explain the class warfare aspect of the film, as the working class Goonies and their families are set against Troy and his daddy, the preppy country club elites.  The Roosevelts, in fact, married into the Astors:
“Fabians like H. G. Wells who wrote so eloquently on the New World Order with such books as The New World Order, A Modern Utopia, The Open Conspiracy Blue Prints For A World Revolution. Wells was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, making the New World Order something that sounded advantageous to everyone, a Utopia of sorts…During the 1930’s, the Fabian Socialists created the Political and Economic Planning group (PEP). Mason Viscount Waldorf Astoria was a leader of PEP, a confidential program that the PEP created and implemented through the British government was later described in a book Principles of Economic Planning in 1935. The book doesn’t explain why its cover has a Masonic square and compass ostensibly displayed on its cover, but George Bernard Shaw, who was a communist and Fabian Socialist was the best friend of Lady Nancy Astor, who became the first woman Member or Parliament….

The Roosevelt family has been connected to the Delano family which Is a Black Venetian Noble family that goes back for many centuries. The lives of these families also intertwine with the Astors. Examples of the interweaving are:  Franklin Hughes Delano–heir to a massive whale oil fortune. He married Lavia Astor, daughter of the original William Backhouse Astor.  – James R. Roosevelt married Helen Astor, daughter of William Backhouse, Jr., the sister of Vincent Astor’s wife.”
Aside from bizarre phallic references like the “Copper Bone” key that happens to look like a penis, “One Eyed Willy” (a reference to the Masonic secret) Goonies is a film about the “hidden history” of Astoria, a city built upon the wealth of a Masonic mafia family who eventually became “respectable.”  The Sicilian mafia (the Fratellis) are displaced, giving way to a new family of dons who actually are part of the real Illuminati according to Dr. Carroll Quigley, the Cliveden Set and the Royal Society.  The “secret” the Goonies discover is that their hallowed town was founded by goons – pirates and scallywag members of secret societies who made their name through the opium trade.   The rise and fall of various dynasties (mafia families) is merely a determined cause-effect relationship, like a big, historical Rube Goldberg Machine.  
As for the inexplicable Cyndi Lauper video, it can only be explained as the video incarnation of the tard, Sloth.  

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