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By: Jay Dyer
Riddley me this, Scotman!
Today I was befriended by a profile calling itself “Beauty Girl Sexy Boob,” that I have a sneaking suspicion is not real.  Then, I thought about how Taylor Swift’s song about bat blood is moving and band aids truly cannot fix bullet holes because band aids do not actually contain any medicinal properties, but that is even more irrelevant if you have bat blood.  I was also happy to learn Vin Diesel will be playing Axl Rose in the upcoming summer blockbuster Parent Trap remake, Diesel Axl.  Yet all of this exciting news pales in comparison to the real issue of the smash Matt Daemon movie, The Martian, recently nominated for various awards and prizes.
The Martian was a great, live-action true story based on NASA’s mission to send a crack team of Hollywood stars to Mars to science the shit out of shit.  Stranded for 4 years after a bunch of crap goes down, Matt Daemon (still reeling from being abandoned by Christopher Nolan in space) is a whizz-bang botanist who, like I said, can “science the shit out of shit,” and when it comes to NASA, well, that’s their specialty- sciencing shit like crazy.
In fact, NASA is so sciencey they even sent B movie props from the set of Buck Rogers 230,000 miles to the moon and back on a couple tanks of unleaded (no concern for carbon footprints in space!) .  These Hollywood props were covered in tin foil which helped them make the journey through the dangerous Forbidden Zone of the Van Goh Radiation Belts.  And who better to man a B movie prop spaceship than Hollywood heroes like Matt Daemon and Jess Chastain.

This same movie was also made for TV in 1977 under the title Capricorn One, starring the Juice, OJ himself, another hero.  However, in Capricorn One the “mars mission” (wink wink) is not real, but staged in a film studio and piped into NASA.  Thankfully, in our advanced era of technological prowess, NASA has large plastic tarps, duct tape and bungee cords available to Hollywood Space Hero Scientists like Daemon.  Like a kind of Space MacGuyver, the same shit that Daemon used to grow his Martian Potatoes is an esoteric mimicked replica of the shit fed to you, the potato head viewer.

Just like NASA forgot where all the original footage of the Apollo mission got off to, so they forgot where they left some nukes on Mars.  Daemon, freezing from Martian winter and lonely in that Mojave Desert…I mean Mars landscape, finds warmth is to be found in the discovery of a lost nuke.  Using the nuke as a Space Space Heater (TM), Daemon buggies along in pretty much the same buggies the Apollo mission used (if you wonder how NASA got those to the Moon, it’s because the buggies are like Transformers – they fold up to briefcase size – a real “explanation”!).   Years of solo hot potato don’t fare well for Daemon, but no fears – there is also an old hollowed out bus of a spaceship on the other side of Mars which only required a sturdy burlap tarp to break free of the atmosphere.  (Not to mention a little help from the old NASA probe from Short Circuit, Johnny 5 and the stereotypical black guy hacker genius).

While floating around in Holly-space, Daemon and Jess Chastain are able to connect and we all have a moment with them.   Tears well up as we remember the greatness of America and how Hollywood heroes went to the Moon long ago.  When Ridley Scott talked about this movie being timed with NASA’s (never-ending claims!) of “finding life on Mars,” it made perfect sense to me – the Moon Landings and The Martian are both real, because NASA sends Hollywood heroes into space.  These are documentaries, and that’s why in a life-threatening situation like being on the moon, you play golf – like Daemon played hot potato and 60s tunes to pass the time.  Since DeNeil Grassy McMike Tyson gave The Martian a thumbs down, the real question is why he didn’t give a thumbs down to that other Hollywood production that has the same plot and storyline – the Apollo Mission?  Doesn’t Tyson see The Martian is a documentary!
No true Scotsman would have made this fallacy.