PROOF! The Martian (2015) is a Documentary! Click Here!

Hollywood Hero Matt Daemon stranded alone in the Mojave Desert.

Hollywood Hero Matt Daemon stranded alone in the Mojave Desert.

By: Jay Dyer

Riddley me this, Scotman!

Today I was befriended by a profile calling itself “Beauty Girl Sexy Boob,” that I have a sneaking suspicion is not real.  Then, I thought about how Taylor Swift’s song about bat blood is moving and band aids truly cannot fix bullet holes because band aids do not actually contain any medicinal properties, but that is even more irrelevant if you have bat blood.  I was also happy to learn Vin Diesel will be playing Axl Rose in the upcoming summer blockbuster Parent Trap remake, Diesel Axl.  Yet all of this exciting news pales in comparison to the real issue of the smash Matt Daemon movie, The Martian, recently nominated for various awards and prizes.

The Martian was a great, live-action true story based on NASA’s mission to send a crack team of Hollywood stars to Mars to science the shit out of shit.  Stranded for 4 years after a bunch of crap goes down, Matt Daemon (still reeling from being abandoned by Christopher Nolan in space) is a whizz-bang botanist who, like I said, can “science the shit out of shit,” and when it comes to NASA, well, that’s their specialty- sciencing shit like crazy.

In fact, NASA is so sciencey they even sent B movie props from the set of Buck Rogers 230,000 miles to the moon and back on a couple tanks of unleaded (no concern for carbon footprints in space!) .  These Hollywood props were covered in tin foil which helped them make the journey through the dangerous Forbidden Zone of the Van Goh Radiation Belts.  And who better to man a B movie prop spaceship than Hollywood heroes like Matt Daemon and Jess Chastain.

Yes, this photo is really on NASA's site, claiming to be images from the Mars probe.

Yes, this photo is really on NASA’s site, claiming to be images from the Mars probe. Click to enlarge.

This same movie was also made for TV in 1977 under the title Capricorn One, starring the Juice, OJ himself, another hero.  However, in Capricorn One the “mars mission” (wink wink) is not real, but staged in a film studio and piped into NASA.  Thankfully, in our advanced era of technological prowess, NASA has large plastic tarps, duct tape and bungee cords available to Hollywood Space Hero Scientists like Daemon.  Like a kind of Space MacGuyver, the same shit that Daemon used to grow his Martian Potatoes is an esoteric mimicked replica of the shit fed to you, the potato head viewer.

Only in AMERIKA do we badasses hit holes in one on the MOON!

Only in AMERIKA do we badasses hit holes in one on the MOON! In AMERIKA!

Just like NASA forgot where all the original footage of the Apollo mission got off to, so they forgot where they left some nukes on Mars.  Daemon, freezing from Martian winter and lonely in that Mojave Desert…I mean Mars landscape, finds warmth is to be found in the discovery of a lost nuke.  Using the nuke as a Space Space Heater (TM), Daemon buggies along in pretty much the same buggies the Apollo mission used (if you wonder how NASA got those to the Moon, it’s because the buggies are like Transformers – they fold up to briefcase size – a real “explanation”!).   Years of solo hot potato don’t fare well for Daemon, but no fears – there is also an old hollowed out bus of a spaceship on the other side of Mars which only required a sturdy burlap tarp to break free of the atmosphere.  (Not to mention a little help from the old NASA probe from Short Circuit, Johnny 5 and the stereotypical black guy hacker genius).

Lewd, crude and perverted, but he's always ready to help. Johnny 5 stars in The Martian as the loveable "Old Nasa Probe."

Lewd, crude and perverted, but he’s always ready to help. Johnny 5 stars in The Martian as the loveable “Old Nasa Probe.”

While floating around in Holly-space, Daemon and Jess Chastain are able to connect and we all have a moment with them.   Tears well up as we remember the greatness of America and how Hollywood heroes went to the Moon long ago.  When Ridley Scott talked about this movie being timed with NASA’s (never-ending claims!) of “finding life on Mars,” it made perfect sense to me – the Moon Landings and The Martian are both real, because NASA sends Hollywood heroes into space.  These are documentaries, and that’s why in a life-threatening situation like being on the moon, you play golf – like Daemon played hot potato and 60s tunes to pass the time.  Since DeNeil Grassy McMike Tyson gave The Martian a thumbs down, the real question is why he didn’t give a thumbs down to that other Hollywood production that has the same plot and storyline – the Apollo Mission?  Doesn’t Tyson see The Martian is a documentary!

No true Scotsman would have made this fallacy. 

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22 Comments on PROOF! The Martian (2015) is a Documentary! Click Here!

  1. Brilliant commentary. These Buffoons need to be made fun of. People need to stop getting mad and start making fun of these doofuses like De Gasbag Tyson and point out the ridiculous nature of their claims.

  2. Greg Maybury // May 2, 2016 at 8:44 pm // Reply


    This is a fookin’ hoot mon! 😅


  3. Thanks for the laugh. Great analysis!

  4. It was, a perfectly awful movie. I am ashamed at sitting through the whole thing. Never, have so many bad movies been made in so short a time. Have you reviewed the Mel Gibson movie titled, Edge of Darkness? Made in 2006, I have seen nothing, since that film, that even remotely approaches it’s serious and genuine subject matter.

  5. as for the moon dune buggy… hey man it was the late sixties. All the cool kids had dune buggies or were in a rock band. Even Josie and the Pussycats found there way into the “Final Frontier”

  6. I’m waiting for VH1 to turn it into a Rockumentary.

  7. Nathan Maher // May 3, 2016 at 4:36 am // Reply


  8. I think that should prefaced/credited something like the following:

    …in the spirit and style of the late grear Dave McGowan

    because for sure, had I read it without knowing otherwise, I would have thought he was its author.

    • I referenced the book in the previous article and promoted it. I’m not ripping him off and my style of satire has been the same since high school.

      • Hold a on a minute. Who said anything about ripping off? Just a mild, reasonable suggestions; that’s all that was intended.

        After all, you must admit that it does read exactly like ‘Wagging the Moondoggie part 2’. Damn good stuff too, so no need for the sensitivity.

    • His page posted my review.

  9. james grey // May 3, 2016 at 9:25 am // Reply

    have you seen the deleted scenes where Maat Daemon barbecues some mohave ground squirrels to go with his potato? NASA is a bunch of assclowns – see this NASA video from Feb 5 which has been truth bombed for the latest predictive programming on military space tech see the call of duty infinite trailer released yesterday 🙂

  10. Gratin Dauphinois // May 3, 2016 at 3:06 pm // Reply

    Literally thought this was some form of advanced AI spam until I read it properly.

  11. Michael Sean // May 3, 2016 at 4:59 pm // Reply

    I’ve just realised that Johnny 5 could actually star in a sci-fi remake of Michael Powell’s Peeping Tom.

  12. OldeVirginian // May 4, 2016 at 12:00 am // Reply

    Ok Jay-o what are you trying to imply here exactly?

    True or false – America does have a Flying Squirrel of some reknown named Rocky, yes or no?

    No one has ever proven that Rocky couldn’t survive interplanetary flight. He could accelerate himself toward the martian trajectory and then hibernate through the ice cold of space.

    Upon arrival in Mars, is it not possible that he mated with the local fauna and gave rise to a race of Martian squirrels? Can you prove he did not do this?

    Maybe the rovers were predelivered by NASA in a freighter that we didn’t want the Russkies to find out about and steal our technology.

    Maybe that foil was super cool, super dense and can stop all ionizing radiation right in its tracks!

    I love NASA and trust them with my true heart.

  13. Jay,

    Strange that I had never heard of the absurd NASA psy-op, The Martian, until listening to your epic 6 hour interview on Hoax Busters, which you recently reposted. This is probably a sign of psychic health on my part. Talk of duct tape, bungee chords, tarps and potatoes growing in the Martian soil peaked my interest, as well as your description of the final rescue scene, where Matt Damon preposterously punctures a hole in his space suit to steer himself through the yawning chasm of outer space into the warm, motherly embrace of Jessica Chastain. I was instantly reminded of the many laugh out loud moments had while reading Dave McGowan’s Wagging the Moondoggie, and thought, I need to watch this. The tone of your analysis is spot on, by the way, because NASA propaganda relating to the moon landings and to the perpetually imminent manned Mars mission is so ridiculous (with a long e, as in reediculous), that the only way to approach it is with mocking derision. So I watched the film this past weekend with my two young children, three and six, which made the entire experience even more hilarious. They were riveted by the method by which Matt Damon grew the potatoes, i.e. the vac-packed human shit method, and the fact that he ate them with ketchup (the turning point of the film, in my opinion, is when Damon actually runs out of ketchup – that’s when America really gets down to business). The kids more or less followed the plot and responded appropriately to the crude emotional manipulation of the dramatic narrative – which revealed something about the rather rudimentary nature of the NASA mythos, how it’s driven by the subversion of fundamental religious/spiritual drives and how it appeals to the inner three year old of the adult population. At the end of the film, I had to explain to them the concept of ‘movie magic’ and that what they just watched was an unintentional comedy. That night, I cooked a couple steaks and roasted potatoes and served them with ketchup … and we continued to laugh about the ‘potatoes growing in poo on Mars’. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the stinging analysis in both the interview and the above post. Cheers!

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