Ginger Snaps of the Apocalypse

Back when the holidays meant something.

Back when the holidays meant something.

By: Jay (Dedicated to Rev. Lloyd Johnsonius) If the holiday season means anything, it means sermons based on cute turns of phrase and highly clever ideas. I've gone ahead and supplied a list of great sermon and homily titles, prepackaged for all you ministers, preachers and holy men out there: "Ginger Snaps of the Apocalypse" (Tie that holiday homily into a fiery furnace exposition of the end times, but with a touch of cookies.) "The SINod of Bishops" (A casual rebuke of the degeneracy of the clergy.) "The Theory of EVILution"  (Set those atheists straight with some Genesis, but focus on the sexy stories.) "Foreskins of the Founding Fathers" (Highlights the founding fathers of Amerika and their beliefs in the good ole book. Ties in well with Moses.) "Faith to SMOOTH Mountains" (Got a church full of young players and "mack-daddies"? Set them straight on how sex isn't the goal of life) "Elijah and E-LIEjah" (A moralistic tale on - you got it - truth tellin'!) "Scrooge's Tithing Lesson" (Forget the Bible - just tell a moralistic Dickens story) "90 Proof Truth" (The next time that parishoner thinks about drowning himself in goblets of Wild Turkey, he'll think again!) "I'm Cross with You" (An exposition of how love crosses all boundaries. Forgive and forget - most of the time, of course)

“The Born Again Supremacy” (Match that sermon up with Hollywood’s latest titles to keep the congregation awake. Explain how the devil mind controls us into being secret agents of the dastardly international crime syndicate known as S.I.N.N. and H.E.L.L.)

“Joseph’s Ice Cream Cone of Many Flavors” (Works as a youth sermon as well as for adults. Modernizes the obscure flashy garment tale with some sweet, home-churned fun!)

“The Christmas Puppy” (Basically irrelevant, but sure to be a tear-jerker. Fit for elderly crowds)

“The Matrix of Mary, or the Matrix of Neo”  (You can take the red pill, or the blue pill. Either way, the tithe is necessary)

“Revelation’s Revilers” (A defense of the end-times from John the Revelator. Works will with the Depeche Mode tune)

“The Revolution of Revelation” (A variation on the last one)

“Black Skin, Black Soul” (Cause the congregation to realize the true racism is in their black souls)

“The Stain, Train, Slain and Gain of Sin” (4-Part sermons are classics, especially with alliteration)

“Don’t Gangster Rap My Presents!” (Set those teens right, with their Beatles and their McDonald’s.  A strongly worded brimstone approach to today’s so-called “music.”

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