Guest Post: Lloyd Johnsonius – Putin Stinks

The Architect of modern GOP policy, Lloyd Johnsonius.

The Architect of modern GOP policy, Lloyd Johnsonius.

Neo-conservative Lluminary and political genius, Mr. Johnsonius, shares some Lloyd Llogic refuting the Putin "op ed" with his own wisdom.
By: Lloyd Johnsonius
I find it extremely troubling in our modern era to see that some younger right-wingers are beginning to respect Vladimir Putin.  Like his ancestor, Grigori Rasputin, Vladimir (they dropped the "Ras" part of Putin years ago) Putin is hypnotizing you. If you ask me, something about that man stinks worse than Barney Frank's sheets.
In my day, there was a little thing we called The Red Scare, where the communist menace, distributed through Russia, tried to take over the world.  Vladimir Putin was standing on the front lines with an AK-47, handing out Communist Manifestos and burning American flags.  The Ruskies have always been a dirty people, and even in Putin's Russia, it is mostly a country of mafias, hoods, criminals, drug-dealers and beautiful, willing, and sexually adventurous prostitutes.
As a conservative, liking Vladimir Putin is like embracing Michael Moore, except Putin—with his dirty spy brainwashing tactics—is much trickier than a certain fat pile of garbage who may have single-handed ruined the auto industry. It's a rookie mistake, and I can see how they'd make it.

Putin has done some things that are admirable:

1. He threw a couple of those P***y Riot skanks in the gulag.  That’ll teach them to yammer on about feminism and GBLT rights.  (I can only assume GBLT is a code for a “gay bacon lettuce and tomato.”  I’m not sure it would be necessary to make a BLT gay, but I’m not typing it into a Google search to find out, lest my worst nightmares be realized.)

2. He’s tough on queers.  So what?  Chic-Fil-A and Bishop T.D. Jakes are tough on them too.  Now that I mention it, so am I.  Where is a parade for me and Pat Robertson?  C’mon right-wing youngsters, this isn’t that impressive.

3. He hates Barack Insane Osama.  I agree, that’s pretty awesome that someone in the world will admit it instead of handing him awards.  Still, I think in reality it’s a hatred for America and freedom.  You can’t grow up in Communist Russia and not be indoctrinated as a Marxist.  Time will tell.

4. He is friends with the Russian Orthodox Church.  To that I say, big whoop.  In his old job for the KGB he probably chopped off the heads of people trying to have church service and broke the thumbs of anyone who was caught reading a Bible.

When you really put it in perspective, Vladimir Putin is just another trick of the old Cold War drag queen, Ms. Gayle Gorbachoff, except that he his hides his liberal, Muslimist-loving agenda in his Speedos, underneath his cheap, Russian suit.  He knows how to create a popular public imagine, but deep down, if you really think about it, you probably know that he’d not only like to see Obama dead but also Toby Keith, George W. Bush, and Sarah Palin, too.

I was going to try to come up with some kind of “Greeks bearing gifts” saying, but more simply, BEWARE OF RUSSIANS.  Ronald Reagan didn’t like them and neither should you.

"You can't listen to Hank with a man like this." -Lloyd Johnsonius

“You can’t listen to Hank with a man like this.” -Lloyd Johnsonius

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11 Comments on Guest Post: Lloyd Johnsonius – Putin Stinks

  1. I hope you wrote the last two posts – hilarious!!

  2. At last, a voice of reason in this crazy time.

  3. I’ll admit: I laughed. I had forgotten about Lloyd for a few years.

  4. “it is mostly a country of mafias, hoods, criminals, drug-dealers and beautiful, willing, and sexually adventurous prostitutes”… Uhm, your description reminded me quite vividly of my trip to the USA. Are you sure you have the right country name in the beginning of your sentence? And believe me, Vladimir Putin’s suit costs more than you make in three months with your tacky, arrogant and ignorant articles. From Russia with love.

  5. I want to use this post as a related text for my Animal Farm essay, could you give me a hint on what aspect of society Lloyd is satirizing/deeper meaning?
    I don’t know but some part of me really doubts that the ultimate message is beware of Russians

  6. ^Because I’m writing from Australia, I am unfamiliar with a lot of the American political terms. I knew it was some aspect of contemporary society but I couldn’t be specific on my thesis until you mentioned neo-conservatism.

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