“Bono is a celestial-sent cockblock to all this environmental rapeyness.” -Jezz
By: Jessica Trendi
Ok, first of all, Bono is like sooo deep. I’ve followed U2 for years and he totally has belief in God. At one concert in Orlando in 2004 I saw him get down on his knees and after throwing up whatever demons might have got inside him from those pills and whiskey, he was totally praying to God. I mean, Bono even has that Jesus look if you add a beard. Look at this picture and tell me you aren’t tempted to think divine thoughts. If God did come back, He would totally wear Gucci frames. In fact, Bono is so godish my megachurch pastor even lets us sing old U2 songs during praise and worship, which is totally cool, except when we sing “Bullet the Blue Sky” which totally sounds like some kind of patriarchal penis contest battle to me, but I just pray that Bono knows what he’s doing. I hear in like the 80s he was totally not for war, so IDK. 🙂
But there are like a million reasons why Bon-Oh (yes, girls, that O!) is so rad. First, every fiber of his Calvin Klein covered being oozes with total passion for environment, since we are like decapitating dolphins, emitting grody gasses and eating all the African foods up. So sit back ladies and pop a few Bons-Bons (tee hee 😉 and let me tell you why environment matters and why I love U2.
One Zillion reasons Bono is so tight
1. Bono is so rad cuz he is, for one! Ok, j/k lol. Bono is awesome because he cares for environment. For like ages we’ve just totally thrown out our garbage, and we don’t even think, “Where does that garbage even GO?!!” My generation is so conscious of this now and last week I followed the trash dude all the way to this big ass mound of totally stinky trash like 20 minutes from my gated community! Like, can you believe there is a total mountain of garbage? It doesn’t even have a name. So Bono figured this out and I read online he has proposed genius plans to send the trash to space, or we could reuse it to feed Africa or even put in our cars to travel to other times. I even seen it on a movie once where they put in a banana peel and went to the future, where we could totally win the lottery, but gambling is also not good for environment, so IDK. Jus’ a idea 🙂
2. Bono feeds Africa. I seen a concert once and Bono axed for money to feed Africa. My friend was like, ‘I’m not giving money,” and I was like, “You’re such a bitch, I’m so totally socially conscious.” The Buddha said this one time, “If you see the Buddha on the road, give him a soy burger.” I took that to heart ever since and so did Bono. He even has a plan to put windfarms in the desert where these huge pinwheels can like make electricity that will run cotton candy machines that can feed the continent because Africa doesn’t ever get candy. Then, they could totally export cotton candy to the world.
3. Bono does charities. Charity isn’t just a skanky stripper friend you have that totally stabs you in the back (I hate you Charity!). Charity is a thing Bono does. Charity is giving others shit so you can get a good feeling inside about how awesome you are. Bono even once donated his heart to a girl in Serbia who was totally poor and was born without one. I hope Bono doesn’t donate his brains, because that’s genius gray matter!
4. Bono is soo tolerint. In my women’s studies class we totally learnt how the existence of the phallus is rape. Bono once donated his to make sure women would never be raped again. And even though media has given some bad publicity to Bono, he totally doesn’t judge. Like he even drew a poster once that was all these symbols and it spells coexist. I had a old tattoo over my butt that was a swirly design I saw once when I was so high, but then I got this dude to have it made into “coexistint.”
5. Bono cares about Environment. Cows are farting everywhere and not only is that funk nasty, it’s totally making the planet all slutty because we like HAVE to eat all this meat. First, meat is nasty, and if you are so insistent on eating it, then we could grind up old people and feed it to you. That would solve homelessness, cuz then poor dudes could totally just eat the leftovers. It’s called sustainability, HELLO CLUELESS PEOPLE! Bono did a whole song about how he loves fat girls, which is so accepting. The rapey patriarchy has convinced women to be all thin and stuff and Bono likes big girls — see here’s proof! (And for the record, I totally accept fat girls as equal, except for Charity, that fat backstabbing bitch ho! You know I’m better than you!)
Bono isn’t all LOOKIST and if you don’t know what that is, you need a new download, dude! So this isn’t not a zillion reasons but I can’t like type them all, that would like take my lifetime.