Calvinism is…

"It's the way we move, sway and raise our palms to that sexy beat."

"It's the way we move, sway and raise our palms to that sexy beat."

By: The Gay Nazi Wizard and His Noxious Nest of Nobodies Calvinism is dust on a Spurgeon devotional on a hearth with a kettle boiling goat's milk for a mediocre-looking wife's offspring, sprung from her privy parts. Calvinism is an "elect" man in a van down by the river with a huge triple cassette tape deck running nonstop, multiple copies off of a generator about the legal status of living by the river on state property. Calvinism is a week-long lecture on the Song of Solomon, only to retire every evening with your wife giving you zero nookie. Calvinism is a debate on the legality of saying "missionary position." Calvinism is Wednesday night haircut/bible study in the farm home of the "elders." Calvinism is congregational ruling elders delivering your offspring through midwifery on the kitchen island. Calvinism is debating an unknown person a thousand miles away, furiously slapping at the keyboard for hours on the Sabbath, only to immediately click over to Calvinism is whizzing in your boxers when you first see Gary North's luminous crown of white hair emerging over the horizon, walking towards you. Calvinism is running AND Calvinism is that *rush* you get at hearing "Rushdoony." Calvinism is rejecting lace head coverings for being too similar to lascivious lingerie.

Calvinism is trying to introduce your Confederate Civil War reenactment garb into role-playing in the bedroom: “My dear lady belle, I do believe big General Lee needs to release his musket in your sweet Georgia muffin…”

Calvinism is “celebrating” the Sadbbath.

Calvinism is celebrating the victory of “converting” your “Arminian” girlfriend, assuring you it’s safe to pursue marital regeneration.

Calvinism is secretly hoping for the saintly intercession of the Armenian Rushdoony, converting Armenian Kim Kardashian to Calvinism, through a chance glance at your blog.

Calvinism is writing a letter of writ created with ink and quill and getting it notarized to excommunicate a teenager for an erection.

Calvinism is spending 12 hours a day on your blog and Facebook decrying the ills of modern life and technology.

Calvinism is all generic ass guys with generic ass names like Joe, Gary, Steve, Doug and Craig.

"Got a light?"

“Got a light?”

Calvinism is sneaking a cigarette with RC Sproul on a golf course and thinking about how he looks like Columbo.

"Just one last question...that Romans 9..."

“Just one last question…that Romans 9…”

Calvinism is the group that prays impreccatory prayers on the Church that rents the building out to them on Sunday.

Calvinism is renting out a 3000 seat convention center for 20 people for your postmillennial conference.

Calvinism is the same fifty nerds all bumping into each other through multiple aliases they made online.

Calvinism is getting angry at this post and responding on your blog in outdated early 17th century pamphleteering-speak with a title like, “Summary Rebuttal, Rebuke and Refutation of the Multitudinous Nefarious and Noxious Scandals Propounded by the Noted Apostate Haeretick Jay’”


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