The Greatest Mind of the Modern Age – Thorndike Fritz
August 28, 2010 1 Comment
Or, My Obscure Intellectual is More Obscure Intellectual than Yours
Amongst many in my circles, it is as if there is a perpetual scouting to see who can find the most obscure (often 19-20th century) modern era intellectual, whose “theological nuances,” “conservative witticisms and aphorisms” and “literary tropes” are atop the pile. We all know of Chesterton, Orestes Brownson, Lord Whosamacallit and Sir Whatshisface. However, I have once again topped you all, inasmuch as I have now drunk deeply from the well of wisdom of Thorndike Fritz. A simple perusal of his wikipedia bio which I recently authored should alert bookish bloggers to take note and promptly jot down all monograph, journal and book titles, and order them as soon as possible from Amazon. Many, of course are far too subtle and refined for such a market, so you shall have to find a hidden bookseller in Finland. Also, email me personally for rare Thorndike scanned pfd’s.
Thorndike Fritz, born May 1, 1845 is regarded by true religious intellectuals as the greatest mind of the modern age. He worked under countless pseudonyms and aliases to hide his genius during the great revolutions of 19th century Finland. A Finnish Lutheran by birth, Fritz was born into sever poverty, the child of two poor cigar rollers. Fritz was able to learn proper pipe smoking and cigarish arts from the very crib, some say. [biased]
Fritz’s prodigious talents were soon apparent, when as a young child he translated the classic Finnish oral epic “Snow Demon” into Swahili. The work had little print success as the African children were both unable to read it, as well as understand the concept of snow. Fritz then began his own private translation of the Latin and Greek Church Fathers into English and then back into Latin and Greek. However, these manuscripts were unfortunately burned in the great Finnish Fire of 1849. Rumors have circulated for decades that Finnish Lutherans with apostolic succession were in possession of these mangled tractates.
The adolescent Frtiz attended Oxford for a brief period, but soon departed finding it a “drag.” However, some writers posit that the noted “drag” reference was used in regard to the local British tobacco, which Fritz found to be something savouring of humor. Modern liberal academics have posited that the “drag” reference was evidence of sublimated transvestitism which the great thinker underwent, due to his overt conservatism. See Mandel, “Drag” in Late Modern Finnish Eros: Thorndike Fritz.
Traveling Europe, Fritz recorded his unparalleled 17 volume daily diary and record, which has amused and astounded readers, and is widely acknowledged as a masterpiece. [biased] It was during this period that Fritz was the most prolific. Compiling a record of all critiques of his own then-voluminous works, Fritz had, by age 16 written his infamous Critique of the Critiques, in which each liberal academic of the time received a hearty dose of famed ”Thorndike bombast.” Liberals academics continued to both praise and deride his works, which resulted in Fritz continually producing an ever-expanding Critique of the Critique of the Critique of the Critique. The work soon fell into irrelevance and his European publishers ceased funding his projects. However, this low period is considered by many scholars to be the era of some of Thorndike’s greatest works.
Enduring several years of youthful angst and depression, Thorndike fell in love with a youthful French dancer known only as ”Elle,” whose escapades caused him an endless source of misery as well as material to draw on for his series of religio-philosophical Harlequin novels. Thorndike felt the sexy paperback was a genre that deserved to be deified into something “no longer morose – no longer profane – a thing for everyman, wherein everyman becomes the elite – no man.” Thorndike’s attempt at elevating trashy sex novels into profound religious material fell ill upon a dour and religiously conservative readership. It is at this point that Fritz re-investigated his religious past, finding Finnish Lutheranism an impossibility, as well as translating the entire patristic corpus into Hebrew. However, this publication was also a publishing nightmare.
Thorndike converted to Catholicism in 1825, and many expected a mind as his to enter the priesthood. Thorndike, however, had too much on his plate, including a compendium of all conservative writers of Western Civilization, which he aptly titled My Library. However, the only publishers who would agree to this were weekly papers, meaning that each week ended up only printing a few of Fritz’s footnotes to other scholar’s footnotes, which meant that only a few actual conservative classics were actually printed, as the Fritz footnote usually ran the entirety.
Thorndike then moved to a French monastery where he produced the beloved 200 volume bumbling English friar series, Fr. Freakemore, who solves a seemingly endless series of mundane “crimes,” such as stolen lunch pales, inter-monastery pranks and kitten-in-tree debacles. Fr. Freakemore, however, has been translated into numerous languages, however, and each translation was done by Fritz himself. Fritz never married, but continued to write and publish works on mathematics, linguistics, art and architecture. The French monastery years are known as “the second great phase” in his enormous corpus.
The next several decades of Thorndike’s life are a hotly debated mystery, and scholars have come to no consensus. Some theoreticians propose that his body is buried under the Louvre, while others have written extensively on his corpse definitively being encased in the walls of various French monasteries. Modern theorists focus on his esoteric writings as a series of “clues” detailing, in fact, which bricks Fritz had planned the monastics to hide certain appendages behind. This furor has fueled popular fiction writer Dan Brown to make statements to the effect that he is purportedly writing a novel based on the story titled The Fr. Freakemore Society Code.